What I can be very certain of is that I became an adult – or at least started bearing the weight of the world on my shoulders – at a very early age. Like 6 or 7.

I don’t begrudge that part of my life because I think I’m more empathetic, dedicated, and well … me … because of it.

Once I finished college though I started to find a joy in life that I can best describe as childlike. And luckily for me, I’ve found some awesome friends to walk through life with.

Enjoy Cirque d’Hotel! And we’re always casting…so drop a line if you want to join the fun!

And, although it was a shock to my system…I’m excited about being 39.

39…I have no idea why this number resonates so differently to me than 38 – but it does and I honor it. I think I felt a slight twinge of pressure on this birthday – perhaps because I’m not sure I’m as cool or as awesome as I’d hoped to be by this…reference number.

It’s interesting – sometimes I get caught off guard by a random thought that with my background I should have done x, y, or z or I should be trying to attain this or that. I love talking to my friend James in those moments because he’s remind me, “Don’t be a freak…you’re doing what you truly want to be doing”…and he’s right.

So what do I want for myself this New Year of life? These are on the top of my brain – not necessarily in this order:

• Connection to my family
• Connection with my friends
• Continued Wellness
• Comfortable clothes I enjoy wearing
• Romance
• More Circus Hours
• Financial Stability
• Increased Strength and Flexibility
• Neat Artistic Experiences

We’ll see how I do for myself.

In the meantime, I wish you all the best and Happy New Year,

Kenny

Feel free to click away below on some of my favorite moments from this year (more will be coming…but have to get this posted before a cocktail party!)…you may even find yourself in them!

Photos by Jane DeGross

Marie was a super influential person for me growing up…in fact had she not been part of my high school experience who knows where I’d be.

Anyway when I was a junior in high school she helped to get me gigs playing piano for holiday parties for the professors at the college in our town…I was nervous but I practiced and showed up with my Reader’s Digest Christmas Songbook and a couple other gems and I played…and played…and played. Sometimes for an hour or two without stopping.

It was in these situations where I learned how to improvise and how to incorporate the voice leading techniques learned in classical playing to truly develop and create beautiful phrases.

I always think of Marie when I play holiday music…and tomorrow she’ll be right along side me in my mind…singly pretty terribly but always in the spirit of the piece.

Back in Minneapolis Drew and Kenny parted ways and Kenny hastily cleaned for the arrival of his friend and body-balancing partner, Mike from Detroit. Within two days Kenny, Mike, – and the dynamic (and charismatic) dance duo of Joe and Nika – created a beautiful movement piece for a fundraiser for St Jude’s hospital. At the event kittywampussness ensued and in the end only the dancers were able to perform due to space issues on the platforms. While Kenny and Mike experienced some disappointment at the turn of events, they both felt joyful to watch the beautiful dancers and happy they had time together to catch up and hang out.

This week tune in as…

Here are some of the outtakes from our shoot…I hope you enjoy them.

And feel free to click here to be taken to a photo album of the shoot!

It’s fun to have friends you can be completely candid with and know you’re safe being you.

The following day I drove home to spend time with my family in Fargo. We haven’t been together on a holiday in years. I found it lovely to discover how grounded my niece is and what a fantastic young woman she has become. My nephew(and Godson) is already in high school…which shouldn’t shock me but it does…and he is such a cool kid.  One of my favorite memories of my trip was us just hanging out and listening to music in his room – not saying much but everything that was said mattered. My littlest nephew is now 5 and precocious and neat (his siblings may differ)…and my brother and his wife are pretty precious.

My mom and I had a good visit as well. We even had a dinner date! For much of the time we were together I simply listened…I think she wanted to share her stories with me this trip unlike any trip before.

It was all good.

One night in Fargo I stayed up and read a Fargo Forum my mom had kept for me. I learned that one of my piano teachers had recently passed away. When my family first moved to Fargo I was only in 8^th grade. I wanted to continue my piano studies and so I contacted this fantastic Concordia piano teacher who had been my judge for a competition earlier that year. I was hoping she could recommend a student I could study with. Instead she took me on as her student and she came to home to teach me until I was old enough to drive. The last time I spoke with her I was in my twenties…I hope wherever her spirit is now she knows how super grateful I am for her and presence in my life.

It’s interesting…I’ve had really fantastic relationships with some of my teachers…Perhaps when my family was moving fairly frequently my teachers could tell I needed more from them – who knows – but I have seriously been blessed.

Okay – time for some push-ups, sit-ups, and pull-ups… I have to look pretty next week for a gig.

All the best,

Kenny

Some of what I share may be surprising to some folks who consider me a friend, and if that is the case I apologize – I didn’t know exactly where I could turn for a while there.

Here goes…Last winter I started experiencing some mysterious skin reactions. Sounds like a silly thing – but the endless testing, skin scraping/biopsies and medical visits not only began to cause great anxiety in my life but also a huge strain on my finances. In addition, a life change I had made to simply teach and pursue my own thing – and the fact that core friendships changed due to life changes – led to an isolation of sorts I wasn’t ready for. This isolation was compounded by my concerns about being around people when I didn’t know what was happening to me. The stress of the situation caused some damage to integral relationships and at times I not only felt very alone emotionally – but physically as well as I removed myself more and more from folks and for a while even left my home and ended up living in a scary sublet – simply out of fear.

In April I started to crash spiritually and physically…and by mid-May I had become suicidal. It’s strange to see it in print. But there it is. I hadn’t experienced a consistent low before – and the energy it took to keep a positive countenance for The Kenny Kiser Show and other public facing events was more than I could handle.  I had a dear friend who I could trust who I called and shared my truth with. She was a Godsend and for the next 6-8 weeks, she text messaged or called me nearly every day offering support.

By early June I knew I needed help. I wanted to die but didn’t want to because I didn’t want to cause pain to the people I cared about. I wasn’t concerned about me. I was ready to be done as the people in my life are so important and not feeling connected to them was pretty awful.

I checked myself into a psych ward of one our hospitals here in town – I’m so glad I did. I was referred to a great care team at the hospital who found that my body issues were simply allergic and physical reactions to all of the harsh chemicals and treatments I had been going through. Once we stopped everything my body began to heal.

My mind and spirit took a bit longer.

I ended up needing the services of a great walk in center as well as a community health psychiatrist in late June. Both providers were smart, compassionate, and good. I never had thought I would need medication for depression or anxiety – but after another the second low June and the rising concern from my housemate; I knew I needed more than talk.

The meds started to work in 10 days – and my life began to change.

I’m five months past that chapter in my life and I’m so grateful for the learning – and for the relationships that became stronger during it…especially those with my family and my housemate. I don’t forget for one second how blessed I am to be here – and I view it almost as if I have a second chance at living.

Before I had this chapter I never realized that psychiatrists don’t really talk to you all that much…they simply administer and monitor meds. My psychiatrist and I now talk and giggle and share pretty honestly – albeit only every 6 or 12 weeks. I shared with her at my med check on Friday that I was going to write this. She was happy to hear it – as well as happy to simply seeing me doing well and healthy and having the clarity of thought that I once again possess.

It’s interesting. Some folks say that anti-depressants/anti-anxiety drugs allow you to be the person you were designed to be. Given my experience I have to agree.

So there you have it…not the brightest part of my life by far. But one I can appreciate…given some space and time.

All the best,
Kenny